Nighttime Thoughts

My photography sucks now.

That’s right, it sucks. I’ve completely lost my mojo with it since I gave it up last year. I used to be incredibly proud of my work but now when I look at it the only thought that comes to mind is “eh”. It’s funny how something I was so infatuated with has now become so meaningless to me. Taking pictures isn’t thrilling for me at all anymore, and the idea of spending hours in front of a computer editing makes me want to gag. I’d rather be dancing, playing dress up, or go shopping. I’ve turned into such a girly girl – not to mention hardcore diva. My personality has changed so much in so many beautiful ways. I’ve never loved myself more. I desire to live my life kinestheticly, through movement and the divine power of self expression. By connecting with my body and sensuality I’m able to channel my creativity in a whole new way. My passion used to be about chasing a vision, now it’s about chasing a feeling. Therefore things like photography and social media no longer give me the satisfaction that they once did. In a way it’s sad, the more my photography skills continue to dampen, the more it proves that part of myself is dying.

I don’t recognize the girl I was two years ago. I don’t remember most of the year 2017. As the inner lioness emerges from within, that domesticated timid girl slowly slithers away. I thank who I was for the past decade, she kept me cozy and safe. She was protective and precise, genuinely a “good girl”. I just decided I no longer wanted to be her, constantly worrying about life and what others thought about me. How can you enjoy yourself when you’re constantly walking on eggshells? I got bored. I got tired. She wasn’t enough for me anymore. By releasing my femininity from her cage, I became myself again. I looked at my idea of life living behind a computer screen, lacking the intimacy of physical touch, human connection and expression through the body. I lived in constant fear of the unknown. What was I possibly thinking? Not knowing is the thrill of it all! I don’t want to be what’s expected of me, I want to do whatever I want, whenever I want. Maybe sometimes I’ll be good, maybe I’ll be a bit devious .. this is one short precious life and I want it to be fun.

Long story short, my photography may suck but at least my actual life is more exciting.

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