Being an empath feels incredibly debilitating at times. I walk through streets feeling the energies around me like rainfall. Days that can turn into weeks where I don’t recognize myself. Is this me? Or is this you? I’m a person who considers myself very grounded, but at times it’s almost as if I’ve left my body and I’m more focused on nurturing those before me opposed to myself. Taking care of others wounds like it was my skin that was ripped open and in need of healing.
I love being a caretaker, I love being a safe place for my beloved and to those whom I can provide guidance too. My fatal flaw was giving too much away when I sensed myself beginning to run on empty. I can go through these phases of an ebb and flow, a period of time where I’m radiant, happy and vibrant. Then it’s as if the tide has gone and I’m at my lowest point. I become tired, depressed, I can emotionally eat, I feel complete hopelessness. It’s like that saying, “I’ve run out of spoons”
Here’s where it gets tricky, although I am a highly sensitive emotional sponge I’m also very extraverted. For most of my life I was ambivalent thinking I was an introvert but continuously felt confused because I was so driven towards social interaction. In middle school I thought I had social anxiety but actually it wasn’t fear I was feeling but the overwhelming amount of teenage angst swarmed around me. Not to mention my own hormones spiraling out of control. Ah, those were the good ol’ days. The past four years of embracing my extraversion has been great, I’ve broken out of my shy shell entirely and feel like a whole new woman. Engaging with a ton of people however was challenging empathically. I’d get a massive high from hanging out with friends and then crash from the energetic overload. Kind of like a sugar rush.
So how exactly does it work being a charismatic person who feels everything from those around her? Well, it certainly isn’t easy. Especially since I spent the past ten years of my life being disconnected from my body, it’s not hard for me to slip into old patterns of putting others first until I inevitably return to myself when my physicality is desperately in need of some TLC. Last year was all about balance, and I plan to prioritize that practice even more so. I’m always going to be a nurturer and an innovator. It’s in my blood, it’s not something I can shake. But I matter too, when I spend more time on pleasures, luxuriating in my passions like dance, fashion, and beauty I’m like a beacon emitting a ray of light like something I’ve never seen.
I will center myself, realign my thoughts when they’ve become scattered, I will listen to my internal compass and provide my body with all the love it needs when I’ve been lost elsewhere. We are home to ourselves. We are powerful. It can take some of us years to figure this out, we’re going to fall numerous times before we get it right. No obstacle is overcome easily. No matter what, I refuse to live in fear or self doubt. My love will carry the weight of this world, but only if I truly love myself. By putting myself first I am a better teacher to those I provide for. For a minute I thought being an extraverted empath sounded like hell but actually it can be super enlightening once you get the hang of it.
I wouldn’t trade this ability for the world. I’d rather feel everything than nothing at all. To not feel, is to not live. Whether it’s good or bad, all feelings are like the ocean. Like waves they come and they go, sending shivery sensations down my spine.